When Self-Love Feels Impossible, These Six Questions Can Help

You are as deserving of my admiration and devotion as anyone in the world. ~Buddha

The year 2012 was the turning point in my life when self-love took center stage. There was no other option once I hit bottom due to my own self-loathing and addiction. When asked in 2017 how long I’d been on my path to self-love, I dated it back to 2012. To me, it was the starting point.

However, I just discovered something unusual and extraordinary in my old journals: my road toward self-love began much earlier than I had previously realized. The realization that I needed to love myself, stop trying to make other people love me, and start being nicer to myself had been reoccurring in my mind for years before I reached rock bottom.

True insights, however, were fleeting. The worry, despair, judgmental thoughts, social anxiety, and other addictive behaviors that let me escape these moods became my normal,” and I routinely forgot about them.

Interestingly, while I was going through the worst of my pain, very few people would have blamed self-love. I presented myself to the world as though I had unshakeable confidence. The general public saw my level of self-love as excessive.

My notebooks, however, paint a different tale. It’s a tale of unspoken anguish and the unintended dismissal of my own efforts to alleviate it. Although I constantly sabotaged myself, I did everything I could to improve my situation.

Someone said, “There’s a lot of truth in this, but I’m so tired of the thing about loving yourself,” in response to one of my previous postings on Facebook. No one has ever put into words what occurs if you don’t have that feeling. Just put yourself first in your circle of affection. Wow, still no response!

Given the complexity of the issue at hand, it could be hilarious to provide a trite solution like “Find the answers within you.” However, I believe it is vital to distinguish between simplicity and ease. Life’s fundamental principles are straightforward: love yourself, seek out your own solutions, and get to know who you are. It’s a lifetime’s work fraught with tears, anxieties, and uncertainties to put these teachings into practice.

The fact is that you already possess the answers you seek, just as I did. Finding them and regularly using them is all that remains.

The key to unlocking the mysteries is in your own past. However, they haven’t been organized into folders. They are dispersed throughout the day, sandwiched between alarms, concerns, and errands. Neither their answers nor their identities are tied to the queries asked. A negative reaction might be the result of self-love or fear.

Therefore, I would rather pose some questions than provide solutions. Your replies will be as unique as your relationship. And the correct responses will evolve over time. These inquiries may be made on a daily basis without becoming intrusive.

1. How can I have a deeper appreciation for this encounter?

The phrase “Why does this always happen to me?” appeared regularly in my old diaries. I was talking about both depressive episodes and regular patterns in romantic partnerships.

I really didn’t want to know the answer to this question when I posed it. The moment I realized I could ask that question openly was the turning point in my mental health journey. Why do I never have someone there when I need them the most? I don’t understand why I occasionally go into deep despair. This led to me gaining some crucial insights into who I am.

Taking pauses, aiming for perfection, and exhausting oneself were all habits I had to work on. I also discovered that I could “test” someone’s loyalty by pushing them away. Though it hurt to recognize these repetitions, it was better than continuing to believe that I was flawed, undeserving, and condemned to be alone.

Stop yourself from self-judgment and criticism when you catch yourself in the act.

How can you have a deeper understanding of your feelings and responses rather than attempting to control them? What is it that your emotions are attempting to tell you? How do you express your thanks for these communications?

How can you stop berating yourself for anything you said or did and instead examine the bigger picture of why you said or did it?

Making the choice to be more interested in your experience will lead you to less actively oppose, judge, and criticize it. When you open yourself to each moment, you open yourself up to yourself.

2. Besides my actions, ideas, and feelings, who am I?

You have to love yourself beyond the highs and lows of life to be able to take them in stride without losing your sense of self-worth. This is the distinction between liking oneself and loving oneself.

Acceptance is transitory. Making a mistake might lead to feelings of self-disapproval. There’s nothing wrong with it; in fact, it’s rather typical and healthy. Self-doubt is inevitable, yet without it, we could never grow from our errors and continue to do harm to others around us.

On the other hand, self-love is an ongoing need, particularly in times of low self-esteem.

Ask yourself who you are apart from your actions when you find yourself disliking them. How can you find value in yourself that is independent of your present circumstances so that you can go on with your life no matter what challenges you may face?

3. What do I need at this time?

Consider your needs on a daily basis. This is a good way to start feeding yourself. You may also learn to recognize the consequences of neglecting your own needs. You will have a better understanding of your hunger symptoms after you eat. Self-forgiveness of this magnitude is possible as a result.

Asking yourself what needs are being fulfilled by poor behavior may be helpful, especially when attempting to quit the habit.

Even though it hurts a lot, every harmful thing you do to yourself is ultimately beneficial. Perhaps indulging in bad habits helps you feel secure or popular. Every action is justified by a genuine need, although some are more long-lasting and healthier than others. When you identify your true wants, you may take steps to proactively fulfill them in a more beneficial manner.

I’ve realized that constant motion is essential to my well-being. Every day, I wake up with an abundance of vitality. Because I was so preoccupied with my chronic anxiety, I didn’t understand this for a very long time.

My whole outlook on life shifted the moment I learned I could channel my boundless vitality into physical activity. My worry levels dropped significantly. My connection to my body has fundamentally shifted. I also gained fresh insight into my lifelong battle with anorexia, smoking, and addiction.

The urge to manage and affect my physical self was fundamental to me. Yes, I feel the same way now. The only change is that now I have control over the means by which I approach it.

4. How can I provide for my own wants and needs?

Understanding your own requirements is the first step to meeting them before they arise.

Recognizing your own wants and needs is half the battle (particularly if they run counter to those of your immediate community).

Asking yourself daily how you can provide for your own needs is the other half of the task. The trick is to anticipate your appetite and satisfy it before you really feel hungry. In this manner, you won’t have to resort to those hopelessly damaging routines again.

5. What are some ways I may recognize those demands I now cannot fulfill?

Let’s imagine that you learn that you need more time alone than you had anticipated. And let’s say you find this out while sharing a house with four other people. It’s unlikely that this need can be fulfilled immediately. Self-love, though, isn’t a report card on how soon your issues have been resolved. It’s as easy as training yourself to be more compassionate toward yourself.

It’s okay to be frustrated and to want something before you do something about it. You may give yourself reassurance by telling yourself that you will take action. Think back on the times when you felt better after being comforted by others. How do you reassure yourself of such a thing?

6. How can I learn to be accountable for my actions?

Waiting on someone or something else to rescue you might be a hindrance on the path to self-nourishment.

Even if you’re aware of the importance of feeling valued, you could construct yourself a tale about how and when you’ll finally feel appreciated instead of making any effort to make it happen.

It’s possible you’re telling yourself to hold off until you get a new job or reach a certain goal. As a result, you can miss out on some great chances to cultivate self-love.

Consider how many of your needs you’re ignoring by placing them in the future or under the control of others. Consider how you can start providing for that need immediately.

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Everyone wants to be heard and understood by someone who really wants to know how they can help.

The most wonderful thing about mastering these inquiries is that your desires will be satisfied.

You may feel valued and cared for right now, and you don’t have to wait for somebody to tell you that. The answer to your problems is staring back at you in the mirror.